giving up dreams
Sun, wind and waters are the best things I know. But it is of you I think in secret. Sun, wind and waters, high mountains and deep oceans, that's the fabric my dreams are made of.
Details in the fabric by Jason Mraz. What an absolutely beautiful song that is. It's awfully naive about mental health, perhaps, or perhaps it isn't. Hold on, know your name and go your own way.
The ego has such an important part to play in our lives. Sure, it is probably the source of all evil, at least cognitive evil. Is there any other kind of evil? I don't know. A dog killing a toddler, is this dog evil? Probably not.
But we are driven by our egos. They force us to act respectfully, and disrespectfully.
Onto dreams. I have a dream of sailing around the world. The idea of bringing the same boat back to the starting place, after having crossed the equator twice and then all meridians doesn't entice me too much. But to explore the coconut route, sail the seas and have time to stop along the way, explore islands, towns, cities, reefs and sites - that does intrigue me.
I had a dream of being popular with the ladies. I got the luxury of exploring that, but within a few months I realised I was bringing more harm than good to myself and those I saw, despite being upfront and honest. Someone said, to separate out sex and emotions, sex and relationships, is like separating sugar from the dessert. I can eat sugar on its own, but if you allow me to mix in an equal amount of butter, you get me. You can get this dating business right, and to me, it's like with many things in life, if you manage to hone the skill and understand the variables, it's actually really easy. My one advice, if I was ever asked, would be to say you need a proper diagnostic. If you worry about making others feel uncomfortable, you probably won't - other than that, go on dates, learn, socialise, live in a city that's not your home and you'll be fine. Don't get into analysis paralysis. But my god was that an exciting time!
I dream of living 365 days north of Nordkalotten, in and around Sarek, with a tent, sled, skis, boots and the food I need. Basically under the open sky, among glaciers, rivers, reindeer, avalanches, bears and wolverines.
I had a dream of making £1m. I'm entirely unsure what I would do with the money. All I know, and what I've seen, is that people so focused on making money, pretty quickly rewires their brains. It's not like when they reach their target, that they'll retire and be happy, no, they lived for that target, so they let a new target creep in, almost unnoticably. I've seen this with friends who studied law to save the world, but to enter the profession had to start from the bottom, in firms defending oil, and pretty quickly the money and the fact that they'd sold their souls locked them in place. It's easy to travel up, but much harder to travel down in life, standards and others.
I explored the dream of one day buying a château in France, renovating it and running some sort of community from it. I love tinkering and building things, creating beautiful designs and all that - but I'm not a big fan of taking on momentous tasks without support and I don't love driving others who don't have a drive themselves. I love the character of old buildings and the ideas found in history, but take me to a castle or a museum and in 5 minutes I'm starting to wonder why we're here and what the point is of all this old stuff. It's just old. Honestly I'm a spoiled kid from a spoiled generation. Also, while buying an old building in France is reasonably affordable, upkeep of something that sizeable will be... sizeable. And while I'd love to run a community, I am no expert at it, and I like to have control.
I dream of one day living in Chile, Valparaíso, overlooking the pacific and the neighbouring 6 hills. The warehouses, the beach. The shuttles to Viña, spanish flowing, exploring a whole different community, a different world.
I hope I'll one day get to build my dream home. I'm seeing it as an S-shaped house, with a master bedroom in each end. The living area in the middle joins the two half-circles, one area for the parents, one for the kids. The middle section has a big kitchen island, where you find all the necessities, on the back of a white unit where you will find the bathroom, free-standing from the outer walls. The outer walls are all glass, easily shaded and reflective from the outside, each glass panel being 1-2 meters wide and 2.1 meters high. The house bends around towards the bedrooms, with office area, guest rooms and playrooms. Between each glass panel is a robust plinth of wood, a naked trunk leading up to a truss holding up a partly glass, partly solar panelled roof. The two loops will encompass an outdoors area, the children's loop a round pool, the parents loop a circular vegetable garden. Outside of this, you will find a huge spiral of fruit trees of varying species, with the house at the heart of the oval-shaped spiral. The road in follows the spiraling esplanade to the house. You won't believe how beautiful this home will be.
I also dream of having a family with 3 kids. 3 of my own biological, or 3 whereof one is biological? I don't know. Does it matter?
Most of my dreams are on pause right now.
Where am I going with this? Dunno. But I'm giving up dreams, to make this family make sense. I believe it would completely fall apart without me, but that may be my wild imagination and ego getting the better of me.